258 - ADHD and the Curse of the Chasm

There is a huge divide for many of us with ADHD. It's the giant space between us and the doing of those difficult things. Let's talk about it and what we can do to get across it! 

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Transcript

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There's a large chasm. It's like a Grand Canyon level chasm. And on one side is us, and on the other side is the doing of the thing, the thing that we're not doing, that's frustrating the bejingles out of us, the laundry, maybe it's the organization, the email to Troy, the one that we know we have to do, and you know how it's gonna go, because you know Troy and you know how he's gonna react. And why doesn't he just get it? Why do you even have to send the email in the first place? Anyway, there's a chasm. It's a giant gap. And the longer we go, the wider it seems to get. Let us talk about that. You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD, their comorbid depression, their anxiety. Oh, it's just a new. I'm your host and your ADHD Big Brother, Rush Jones. I've got ADHD too. I've got depression as well. It's crap tastic. So let's learn some stuff. Let's laugh at some stuff. Let's make some commitments to do some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. Hi, it's August. Is time flying for you guys as fast as man? I'm 51 years old. I'm talking about like Earth's rotations around the sun. It's crazy. I feel like I'm still 25. Like mentally, not physically. Physically, I think I feel 62. I'm working on it though. Interestingly enough, with my son and I are setting up an accountability partnership for our health and fitness with each other. And then my buddy Brian's gonna join us. Noble wants to gain weight. I want to lose weight, and we're creating a weekly check-in. That is how it's done. I love it. All right, let's kick off the mental health report. This is where we normalize it. The talking about our skull spaghetti, the good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird. We're not always fine. I know I'm not. So let's talk about it. Let's just get cool being vulnerable or whatever, just talking about it. This past week, I've been doing a lot better. Uh, I was freaked earlier, as we know, if you listen to last week, because of Noble's ER visits. Uh, but he's on antibiotics, he's on antivirals, and he seems to be doing much, much better. God, man, when your kid's in pain, God, and you can't do anything to get rid of that pain. Oh my God, it's devastating. Uh, but he's doing a lot better. And uh the love of my life and I, Emily, Emily's her name. What if she's listening to this? She's like, I'm waiting for the name. Please identify me. Um, we had our two-year anniversary. I love that woman. She's literally the bee's knees. Uh, I think we're still in our honeymoon phase. And I think she would agree. But you'd have to ask her because I'm not going to speak on her behalf. But if I was guessing, I'd say, I think she's, I think she's into me. But as far as mental health report goes, uh, things are um upticky. That's a that's a technical, that's a diagnostic official professional term. Upticky. We are ticking upward. Okay, in ADHD Big Brother News, a couple of things. Um, I have three spots remaining for daily accountability with me. This is gonna be for you if if you're ready to make change and you're willing to keep that change visible with me. The one-on-one skis that I coach that have taken me up on daily text message accountability, they get there a lot quicker. So I've created a coaching program around it. We'll do one coaching call up top to get you squared away, and then one call a month to look at the data, iterate where we need to, coach on obstacles, but then in between is the meet. It's daily text message accountability, it's subscription style. You keep it going as long as you like, you cancel whenever. If you want to apply, the link is in the show notes to learn more and book a free chat. Also, I have some super cool news. I was asked by Insight Timer, are you guys familiar with that app? Uh it's the app that I use for meditation timers, and they have tons of guided meditations on there and they have talks. So when you hear me, when you hear me on the podcast talking about like, oh, I'm so I'm depressed and I'm doing these guided meditations to connect with my spirit guides so that I can yell at them and ask them, like, what's the fucking deal here? What's your problem? That's on Insight Timer. Those are guided meditations on Insight Timer. Anyway, uh, I got an email from them to see if I would do some talks on ADHD. And I think we all know that I am no stranger to talking. I love a good ramble. So I currently have four talks teed up, I think, or actually maybe five. I think I have five. But one of them I know is already available. Some of them might still be waiting up for approval when you listen to this, but we'll see. I'll throw the link to my teaching profile in there, and you can hear me talk about ADHD and meditation, procrastination, time, all the fun stuff. You are more than welcome to donate if you would like to encourage and support my helping efforts. They have a feature on there where you can donate, and I would be so grateful. All righty, let's talk about this chasm, this divide between ourselves and the doing of those impossible, but you know, technically not impossible tasks. This giant grand canyon of a gap that stops us from getting started. So, what what do we do when these things happen? They go so long without getting done. We begin by beating ourselves up, naturally. That is the what we do. Like, how could I let it get this bad? I suck, blah, blah, blah. We pull up a lawn chair next to the chasm with a tower of books that we're gonna that are gonna teach me about me. Some scientists figured out some things about my skull spaghetti, and it's really interesting. And here's a caveat, I'm not against. I know it sounds like I hate science. I don't. I and I I'm not gonna poo-poo the findings because findings are neat. I'm interested in them. So this isn't about not getting educated on our skull spaghetti, but there is a really big now what component that doesn't seem to get addressed often. We just get really good at talking about why we can't. But there are there we are. We're just sitting in our lawn chair. We're reading about findings, finding out about new readings, purchasing new books, buying big programs, pre-recorded videos that are gonna teach us about us, all in the hopes that one of these things is gonna launch us over the chasm. One of these things is gonna be the missing piece that makes everything feel right. And there we are in the front row seat watching our chasm grow. This is what I believe is such a big problem that learning will magically transform into doing, or that it will create motivation. Everything that we read about ADHD, it's that it's hard, right? Okay, yeah, and I agree with that. It's a giant pain in my ass. I don't love it, I don't enjoy that I have it. It is responsible for all the bad shit that's happened to me. Like, I'm not embracing it, no fucking way. Don't come at me with the superpower stuff. I'm like, that's it feels like we're gaslighting ourselves, right? You don't have a problem. No, no, no, no, no. It's a gift. All those struggles, those aren't problems, those are gifts. And you're just looking at it wrong. You can't even do ADHD right. Geez. Here, take some pills for your gift. It's like all those creative, cool things that you can do, those are strengths, don't you see? We need to credit that to your disability so that you can embrace it. Some of us actually have a hard time with the word disability for that. I could, you know, no, I'm wired different. But it's actually a recognized disability if we are to believe the books. You can get into the national parks in the United States for free because of your diagnosis of ADHD. Google it. I need to take advantage of that. I haven't moved the knee, I haven't gone down that road yet, but holy shit. Most of us are taking pills for our unique fun wiring. So something is the something about ADHD is something that we would like to not be if we are going to be taking pills for it. So I don't know why we give it credit for our greatnesses, right? Like, aren't some of us like some of us are religious or spiritual? Why can't we give credit to I don't know, our maker, or if that's your jam, or your higher you or your spirit? Why does the zipping and zapping and the goop of our skull spaghetti, why does that get the credit? We're so much more than this particular diagnosis. And usually when I get diagnosed with something, I'm like, well, let's figure this shit out so it doesn't fuck me up long term. I'm not like, I'm not like uh, I think the joke that I always say is like I don't embrace my high blood pressure. I got diagnosed with high blood pressure, and I'm not like, yeah, it's my new gift. You know, people need to appreciate my unique arteries. But I will take a pill for it because I don't want to have a heart attack. Uh if you follow this podcast, you know I'm oppositional about all this stuff. I'm sorry. Uh my unique wiring, guys. I get that this might be me specific here, but like, so I'm like, what are we doing here? I clearly don't love my ADHD. I'm not in that camp. I'm not I but I you know what camp I'm in? I love ADHDers. The people, the souls behind it. I love being around fellow ADHDers. I believe that we are cooler than the normies. I will state that we should have our own private club. I love the intense camaraderie that we have naturally with each other because we understand each other and how hard the fucking world is for us. I love us. But it's like anybody, right, that is going through a struggle. We connect and can appreciate each other's struggle because it's similar. Same with alcoholics, right? Going through 12-step programs. The existence, though, of that wonderful connection doesn't get my laundry done. So this is where I'm going to sell the shit out of accountability with other people, other folk, communities, visibility. Here's the difference between going it alone and making it visible to someone. In one hand, you have the lone ADHD in their lawn chair at the end of the chasm. It's overwhelming. Can't believe how long this has taken, and we can't visually see any way to get started. We're too busy in the drama of what isn't. And there's an inner shame that has to be overcome internally, and there's got to be a book that can help. And this is so hard, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Chasm gets bigger and we don't cross. But now picture. Picture this. Picture, if you will, 50 people in lawn chairs, all with varying chasms, and everybody gets the struggle. So there's a conversation about how hard it is. Like this really easy thing to do that we're we're actually cool with having a conversation about how embarrassing it is and how difficult. Nobody feels alone anymore. Because everyone gets each other. Nobody chasm shames. Like you did this to yourself. How could you let it get this bad? No, it's judgment-free chasm chatter. It's all good, even though it's you know it's bad. And everyone's chasm gets a little smaller because of it. It doesn't seem as hard, but still nobody's crossing. But then, oh my God, somebody creates a game called Leap of Faith, where it's kind of like Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. Everyone's gonna take one step over the chasm together, but we'll let's partner up. And that really scary first step is made because one of your chasm friends was holding the back of your shirt. They're supporting you just in case there is no invisible ground to catch you. This is how we do stuff with ADHD, with proximity to support. So who's your support? Is it a coach? Is it a community? Is it Rebecca? Do you have a supportive, non-judgmental friend named Rebecca? She's rad. Lean in to Rebecca. So many of us, we've we've probably already done the homework, right? Where is your list of every possible solution for every possible hurdle for every possible aspect of your life that you could reference 24 hours a day because ADHD is fucking hard? You've compiled all the books into one giant list of it's like a tree of every possible angle and every solution. It's like, is it a dopamine problem? Is it a planning problem? Is it an environment problem? Is it an emotion regulation problem? Is it an RSD problem? Are you hydrated? Did you get good sleep? What is at the core of your struggle to email Troy? It could be anything. And whatever we pick is probably going to be wrong because there's still tension for some reason. It feels like we're we're educating ourselves into the very overwhelm that we're trying to get on the other end of, and we're all hungry for more. For one more study to tell us one more thing, hopefully. The thing that takes the tension away. So let me get oh, here's a cheat sheet for you. This is this is my belief. So you know what? I might be wrong. I'm not. But there is a possibility, you know, in the scheme of a fantasy world that doesn't even exist, that I might be wrong. But I think even in that fantasy world, I might be right. I think I'm right. Um, here's the answer Tension exists, it will always exist for behavior change. Oh my god, yeah. Trust in that. Expect that. Know that it's coming in advance. For adults with AHD, for things that are important, but they're not urgent and they're not interesting. You can expect tension. That time that you didn't get tension, that's an anomaly, that's a rarity. It's not a reliable thing. You can rely on feeling like not now. That inner no, thank you. Get to know that feeling of not now, that inner tantrum of I can't do this right now. From a curiosity standpoint, try to catch yourself, get to know that feeling of discomfort and practice accepting it, allowing it, being okay with it. You don't have to embrace it. It usually doesn't last much longer than the leap of faith that you take to get started. But to take that leap of faith is way more likely to happen with another person in the mix. My belief is that if you're going to spend money on your ADHD, rather than spend it on a book or a course or an AI bot, spend it on people. Human support. I get my own support from my own community. You guys know it's the one that I basically market every single time, all the time. I shout it from the rooftops, ADHD Big Brother. I'm in there every day. I'm holding other people's shirts and they're holding mine. I'm also a member of two mastermind groups, one for business and one for one's with a therapy buddy. I'm not a therapist, she's the therapist, but we're helping each other be accountable to our plans. And then I pick her brain about therapy stuff because I'm fascinated by it. Inside the membership, I also joined one of our members, created a challenge called We Win Together, and I joined that. And that's a three-month challenge with pretty intense levels of accountability. This is how I'm able to get my awful shit done. The things that give me tension, the things that I'm embarrassed that I might need help with, which I'm not embarrassed about anymore because I'm so damn practiced at making this stuff visible. By talking about the tension, by being vulnerable in a safe environment, I can suck at stuff and iterate until I don't suck at it. ADHD, it's a team sport, and I'm super excited to get to be on your team. If you're a person that recognizes that this isn't a solo thing, then I want you to be on my team. We don't even have tryouts. You made the team. Get in there and start making your chasm visible. I'll hold your shirt, you hold mine, and let's get this stupid email to Troy squared away. Get Troy off your back. Let's get that load of laundry done. And then over time, when you've accomplished all the things, maybe you write a book on all the unique ways that you do this stuff, even though ADHD and all the other debilitators in your life. What's the way that works for you? I hope that helps. As a reminder, as of right now, I have three spots. If you want some close proximity to support with me, if there is a change you're not making, let's go. Let's get aggressive in a fun way. Holy shit, we can make the nightmare more fun. That's my superpower. If you want to be part of our team, there's 70 of us in the membership right now. There's a lot of support on doing the thing. Links in the show notes. Try us out for a month. Get your free coaching call with me out of it, and I'll help motivate you. That's also my super gift power. Other people, man, that's how we do it. And please check out the Talks on Inside Timer. And if there's a short talk that you'd like me to cover over there, let me reach out. Adhbigbrother.com. I'm interested. And uh there you have it. Hope you have a fantastic week. And I shall talk to you later.