254 - ADHD and Changing Behaviors

I am embarking on a 3 month behavior change challenge. I would like to share how that looks, why we adults with ADHD struggle with the habits, routines, systems, and what we can do about it! 

Mentioned in this episode:

Use coupon code: CHANGE on a quarterly membership for ADHDBB and you'll get 20% off your first payment. This will coupon will be good until the beginning of August. 

Here's the link to sign up: https://adhdbigbrother.circle.so/checkout/adhd-big-brother-subscription

Transtheoretical model of behavior change can be found in the book "Changin to Thrive" by James and Janice Prochaska.

Here's the link to the newsletter to stay in the loop with ADHDBB: https://www.adhdbigbrother.com/newsletter

Try the FREE ADHD Big Brother Episode Finder!  Type in your struggle, get two matching episodes. No emails, no sign-ups. Find your episodes →

For those of you that are wondering why nothing is sticking, why you read things and don't do the work, why you have epiphanies about what could work but it goes nowhere...Join myself and others at ADHDBB.  There is a 'team' component to managing ADHD. Join our team. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You know what sounds really good? Oh my god, a good system. Or good habit or a good routine. Oh my lord, if I just had a system for this, or if I had a routine for that, life would be great. Unfortunately, nothing seems to be sticking. Well, uh, perhaps, maybe, I don't know, maybe we're not using the right glue. Let's talk adhesives. You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD, their comorbid depression, their anxiety. Oh, it's just a new. I'm your host and your ADHD Big Brother, Rush Jones. I've got ADHD too. I've got depression as well. It's crapastic. So let's learn some stuff. Let's laugh at some stuff. Let's make some commitments to do some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. Sorry you guys about the clickbait. This is not gonna be about duct tape. We're not talking Elmer's glue today. This is going to be a behavior change one. Hope you're having a great summer so far. Like it's isn't that crazy how fast it goes? It's like we're almost done with it already. July is a little over half over. And by the way, I have uh basically completed all of my monthly goals. Come on now. There's just a couple more things on my monthly goals list. I've been really focusing on it. The things that are left on my monthly goals is a card game night with my kids, and a uh I have to do a pro and con list for the behavior change of giving up coffee. I don't I don't know. I've done it before, uh, and I know I'm in pre-contemplation because I literally have no desire to not drink coffee, but it's kind of like in my big vision of myself, and I've given it up before. I'm a big fan of the trans theoretical model for behavior change. It's very sciencey sounding, now full. I like it though, it makes sense to me. I use it when I'm coaching and we even read a book that I love uh in the ADHD Brother book club. It's called Changing to Thrive, and that's written by the people that kind of made the trans theoretical uh model on behavior change. Long story short, there's a cheat sheet to kind of suss out actually where you stand in the behavior change world. And a number of the chapters in that book are actually built to go through the process for certain common changes, like uh quitting smoking or exercise. So it's uh super cool. And here's another uh spoiler alert for the book it's not to burst your bubble, but full behavior change takes a long time. That whole 21 days to build a habit is a crock of shit. You you have to go through like planning and preparing, and then when it comes to taking action, you have to choose the new behavior over and over and over. And did I mention over? Yes, also over again, and that requires effort. It requires effort on good days, it requires effort on bad days, and that's why it is so much better to do that with other people because it's gonna suck. So for me, for the coffee, I declare it to the membership, so I now I'm accountable, and I just have to do the pro and con of coffee. It'll it'll happen. Um, what's gonna happen is I'll see if it's a worthwhile effort to make again, and most likely I'll see that it will be. So then I'm gonna have to do it. Um, but that's gonna play into what I'm doing in August, and then I'm inviting you to, obviously. But first, let's do the mental health report. Uh, this is where we talk about all the what's going on in our school spaghetti, right? The good stuff, the bad stuff, the weird stuff. We got to normalize talking about it. You know, when we talk about it, we feel less alone. I know I do. And it also takes a bit of the sting out of it. But you don't have to fix me, you don't have to offer me reframes, just knowing that you're listening, that works, man. It's like if you're a fellow depresso, I invite you to go to adhcabitbrother.com, click on contact, give me your mental health report. I'm not gonna do anything with it, I'm not gonna share it, I'm not gonna do anything but respond to you. Like, hey, thanks for reaching out, and maybe I'll relate to you or something. But to me, it's about getting it out and safely, right? There are some people that we can't get it out to, even people that we're close to, because like unfortunately, maybe they make it worse or they won't get it. So that sucks, right? So you've got ADHD Big Brother, reach out if you need to. Um, my mental health this week has been pretty damn good. Uh, my Achilles heel is that I will work on ADHD Big Brother stuff all the time. You know, when you mix passion and purpose together, it's pretty intense. And, you know, I also have ADHD. So the sloggy parts of it, right? The admin, the financial crap, the marketing, that can take longer and it can drain my battery. And so then it leaves me without the juice for my personal stuff. And over time, if I don't have the juice for my personal stuff, that sinks me. Historically, it's what sinks me into a depresso episode. So what has to happen is I have to schedule things that I, you know, I tell myself that I shouldn't need to require scheduling, you know, like my kids. A previous version of myself would have thought that that was uh gross. Um, but I don't anymore. I'm like, I have ADHD. This is what works for me. I need to schedule it. I need to purposefully shut down at the end of the day, four o'clock. I need to intentionally not think about work. Fine, right? I can't fight my brain on the neurons that zip and zap. It's gonna fucking do what it's gonna do. So I have to be intentional. And with that intentionality, I also need structure. Big deal. Doesn't mean I love my kids less. It just, we're all, we're all doing great. Uh, we got out in nature helping my son with a short film, helping my other son with his acting studies, making plans with Emily to hang out, make dinner and stuff. So for me, the self-awareness is that I I predecide things that are important, and then I make it visible when I need to. And that's been going really good. Here's a case in point. My monthly goal inside ADHD Big Brother was uh get out in nature. The specific goal was to put my bare feet in running water. No faucets. You know, that's that's a good workaround. No, it had to be in nature, had to be running water, and I did it. And it was awesome. And I shared the video inside the membership. Receipts, man. Proof is in the pudding. Doing that stuff, man, it fills my cup. So uh that was great. Um, so that's me. How are you doing? Reach out, let me know. All right, let's talk about behavior change and how are we gonna make this shit work? How do we get it shticky? Um, according to the trans theoretical model, and you can read about it in the book, Changing to Thrive. I mentioned it. There are the the cheat sheet is that there are stages of a behavior change. I'm not gonna go in through the whole lecture of it. It's out there, Google it, trans theoretical model. It's there. It's just a process that takes you from not needing, not feeling like you need to change to somebody that knows they need to change, to someone that makes a plan, to then someone that's taking action, and then someone that is maintaining that action over time. That is a process, and there is how many pages are in this book? I I literally have it right here. All right, it's like 260 pages. Dig in. You can just really dig into it. It's I subscribe to this model. I read I read the literature. I'm not going to, you know, bake the customary trans theoretical model yearly celebratory cake. I don't wear the the celebratory gown. I'm not in the cult if it's a if there is one. I'm not shaving my head for trans theoretical models. If it I shave my head because I was going bald. And it was more of like rage firing. Like if my hair is gonna quit on me, then I'm just gonna shave everything. Okay, so that was more of a harsh reaction to a genetic predisposition to balding. Okay, not the trans theoretical model. Just so we're on the same page. And it's because I can save money on haircuts. So some shit happens in our life, right? And we have this contemplation moment. We have this big reaction in a moment to a pain point in life. Something that says, I need a system for this. And I think I mentioned this before, and I still catch myself saying it to this day. The most recent was I was frustrated that I didn't have certain groceries in my fridge. And I said out loud to myself, I need a fucking system for groceries. And then I had some self-awareness, right? And I made fun of myself because that's, you know, you know what's even better than creating a system for getting groceries is realizing that I'm out of groceries, being cool with myself, and then going grocery shopping. It's a it's a task, it's not necessarily a system. The ultimately the idea that we have in these moments is that is the fun thing, right? Which is, oh my God, create a plan, devise, make a spreadsheet. Oh my god. And this is an actual component of behavior change. So it's justifiable. But for us ADHD folk, I think sometimes planning it resonates to me more as escapism that's wearing the mask of productivity. Planning is fun, it can be, because it has hope built into it. Oh man, when this is executed, all will be well. It allows us to live in the good feeling, the hope feeling. But we're doing it for the purpose of eliminating tension. The system it promises that this will not have tension anymore. And so then we know what happens, right? We go to take action and we mess it up because we bailed on it, there was tension to it, something was more important, I forgot, ADHD, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the system is back to the drawing board. And when am I ever going to figure this out? Most of us, we already didn't have the knowledge about what's going on in our brain. ADHD, yay. Some of us love it as a gift, but most of us understand it, the challenge part of it, you know, about how it ticks, you know, and you're we're all in therapy, hopefully, working through the traumas and the coping mechanisms for our unique life situations. But there's a gap between like what you know and what you do, right? Like what you bring to life or what you don't bring to life. And it's a skills training situation. All of it. Therapy is a skills training situation. You want better coping mechanisms? You want to be good at your CBT? You have to practice skills. Journals, you you have journals to write in. There's shit to do. How many of us show up to our appointments, have epiphanies, feel good in the moment, and then don't do any of the work in between sessions because we forgot, right? Appointment amnesia. But for ADHD, we're trying to learn new ways of being and doing after a lifetime of grinding life out a certain way that's not working. So there's a lot of working through obstacles and applying an ADHD lens to our daily lives. What it is not, what ADHD management is not, is I just need a system. It's skills training. If the system comes, but if you want a system, you want a habit, a routine, the process by which you create those things is inherently awful. That's a that's a true sandwich for you, right there. Side of truth fries. You're welcome to substitute that with some truth fruit. It's we want to oh god, we want to paint reframes on these things. You know, hey, just notice yourself out of breakfast sausage and then thank yourself for bringing it to light. Thank you, Brain. You're you're gifting me this this really fucking shitty to-do item on my already overwhelming turd mountain pile of to-do items. Now I have to grocery shop too. I don't want to! I just want a system for this. So to me, to me, uh I get really passionate about this stuff. Uh to me, it's like how do we do the work? So I'm gonna invite you to do it with me. I'm gonna, I am going to personally start a specific behavior change. I'm gonna do it August 1st. I'm gonna run it for, I'm gonna go after it for three months and see where I'm at by perfect timing by the by the start of the holiday season. But so what I'm doing is I'm gonna be putting uh together my pro and con list for funsies. I'll share that in the membership. We'll use our monthly goals uh to discuss the behavior change, and you're invited to put together the behavior change you would like, and you can be a part of it. You can join. Uh, I'll give you a coupon code for it here in a minute, but this is gonna be a special deal for people that want to change with me. It's not for the tinker around crowd. This is for the people that are uh, and this is also for people that are already members. If you guys want in, let's go. And a quick side note, really quick to the members. This is not Louvet's We Win Together thing. I'm doing that as well. Uh, we're in the trials for it right now. Uh, but I'm doing that for moving my needle forward on work stuff. This is gonna be a behavior change for my health. And so if you want in, you'll have all the necessary accountability and support to make the change. I'll guide you through it as I work through it myself. Then this is what's gonna make it so easy for me. I'm already here, anyways. I'm gonna be here doing this. I'm going to desire talking about it, and I live for hearing what you're doing because that's how we grow. I totally have this gift of throwing gasoline on your inspiration fire. So you can take advantage of the free one-on-one coaching call that I give every new member. I can help you identify the behavior you want to change. I'm not gonna tell you what it is, uh, but I can pull it out of you. Like if you're overwhelmed, you're like, I don't know, everything's messed up. I need to change everything. I can help you narrow it down and find one to go after uh and point your compass. Um, and so right now, as of this recording, things are gonna change in the future, but the membership is 49 bucks a month. Quarterly, it's 135. And the coupon code is change, uh, the word change. And you it will apply if you choose the quarterly, and it'll be 20% off for the first quarter. So that's three months, 20% off. This is how we do it. This is it's support. The question you probably would have is okay, well, how's it how do I do it? What's it gonna look like? Because this is not a course. I don't believe in that. I don't really care about that stuff. You can learn everything on your own. We do have a wealth of resources inside ADHD Big Brother. Sure, fantastic. We've got video replays. You're welcome to all that. You can quietly learn, but that's boring to me. And you know, it's like we want change, right? And if you want to save money, then just do it, chat GPT it or AI it. You can get the information. It's everywhere, it's all everywhere. All of it is everywhere instantly. What isn't boring to me is making a go of something sloppy, sucking at it, putting in the reps amongst a supportive and safe crowd so you can get to the results that you want quicker. Like, let's do the uncomfortable stuff together and then we talk about it. It's all those cliches are true, right? You know, progress over perfection and blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, this motivation posters and stuff. The bottom line is that it's gonna feel off. It's gonna feel difficult, it's gonna feel shitty, and your brain is gonna gift you ways out. So, what does it take for us to stick with it? Like, what are we gonna do? We're gonna learn about one more neurochemical for why we don't do shit. Who cares? The answer's us. Us is the universal term for not alone. Let's just stop trying to do it alone. I don't. I took me four body doubling work sessions with Lisa. Shout out to you, Lisa. I was in the body doubling room with her. Uh, I wanted to crack it out in three, took me four. But that's what it what it takes. All right, to all of us that think multitasking is a lie, check out what I did. Check out what I did. Not only was I writing an episode, but at the very same time, I was supporting Lisa in her effort of what she was working on, and she was supporting me just by being visible. Sablam. Okay, so here's your assignment. Oh my god, let's do this. If you're right for us, join ADHD Big Brother. I recommend quarterly, use the coupon code change. It's gonna be active until it's not probably I'll shut it down right at after the beginning of August, whatever. But oh my holy balls. If you want to get something dialed in before the holiday rush, bring it in. When I say right for us, I don't know. Maybe you're thinking, oh, well, who's in there and why who what kind of people? I don't know. It's we have a good healthy amount of late-in-life people, like 40 plus crowd, 50 plus. We even have some 60 pluses. We also have a few youngins in there. We're open to everybody, literally everyone, no matter who you are, how you identify, what you eat for breakfast, what you don't eat for breakfast. Are you someone who's willing to show up? That's the thing. Signing up does not make a behavior change. Logging in and reading resources is not going to make a behavior change. If you're willing to show up, take advantage of the coaching call and be willing to take, I don't know, maximum five minutes a day to post a note about what you're committing to doing. To make it visible, then I would say take a gamble on this as because it works if you show up. And if you don't have five minutes, then I'm going to just automatically call bullshit on you. Like, I'm too busy, I don't have five minutes to log in. Okay. Then I would say this: I'd say, email me, reach out in the contact form, we'll set up a 15-minute call, and you'll show me your screen time and you and I will find the five minutes a day. We'll figure it out together. I'm I will totally do that for free. If you've got the balls to show me your screen time and tell me that you don't have five minutes a day, uh, I will gladly we'll bang it out 15 minutes. We'll get you there. And I'll probably juice you up. I'll probably get you excited about it. All right. This is how it works, guys. Case in point. We just awarded a two-year badge to Dave. Huge shout out to Dave in our membership. He's been showing up for two years straight in daily accountability. Two years. He got a two-year badge. We make badges for these people that keep going. He's been showing up for two years straight. That's two years every day in a row of saying what he's gonna do, a thing, and doing that thing. Whether that thing is to just show up, or whether that thing is something super complicated. He has been showing up. It's way easier than you might think. Jeff, another shout out. Got his 100-day badge again in daily accountability. I say again, I've probably earned it three times. Like we forget. Just because we're showing up, there's no perfection in this, right? We have ADHD, we slip up, it happens. I have not yet made it to day 200. Dave is at what was that? 365 times 730 days in counting. I haven't made it to 200 yet. Whatever, it happens. I show up every day though, but sometimes I forget and it happens. Then we talk about it and we create a rule. All right, that's it. Everybody that shows up to say what they're working on, if they consistently show up, this works if you show up. It works. I'm gonna keep saying it. Come up, show up. You gotta show up. Make yourself visible, you'll see. If you want to be in the loop on the three-month behavior change situation, uh, I will put a link to the newsletter in the show notes. Just you can sign up for the newsletter. That's it goes out every Tuesday. And it's, you know, it'll tell I will absolutely let you know when that's starting. Mine is gonna be, as I said, exercise related. Uh, I know the behavior I want, and I will be going after it publicly in the membership. What's yours gonna be? Reach out if you need help and join, like literally right now. Uh, and then I'll show you how to use the monthly goal space, the weekly planning, the daily accountability club. All of it's optional, but all of it is very helpful. And it's there for you to be visible, ambitious, and get support, whatever way gets you moving. And then we'll have two group calls a month to check in on our month. It's casual, it'll be exciting. We'll all juice each other up. You'll see. Let's go, let's do this. Uh, I hope to see you in there. And with that, I hope you have a fantastic week. And uh, I shall talk to you later.