172 - Taskfirmations and Being Cool With Yourself

Happy Holidays!

What's a taskfirmation, you ask? It's a made up word is helping me on my journey to that glorious affirmation of "I love myself" or "I am worthy of love" or "I am capable of doing difficult things"

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The holidays are here. Hey everybody. What are you doing for the holidays? Are you in town? Or are you like hiding in the parking lot right now at a target because you just had to get away from your family? What's your what's your temperature? What what's your mental temperature? Oh my god, what should we talk about today? I talk a lot about the doing of the work of managing ADHD. Uh that's just what I do. That's what this podcast is about. It's what I live to talk about. So let's talk about something that relates to that that I haven't talked about in a long time. It's a little thing called task formations. What do you mean? You are listening to ADHD Big Brother, the podcast for adults struggling with their ADHD and comorbid depression symptoms. I'm your host, Russ Jones, author of The Standing to the Top, believer that you can actually have a smile in your life despite this diagnosis. So let's make some sense out of this struggle. Let's learn some stuff, let's laugh at some stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, here's some stuff. Welcome to the podcast. And on top of that, happy holidays. For some of you guys, this is the greatest time of the year. And for some of you, this is the sarcastical spiral into seasonal depression. Some of you love your families, and some of you are like, why? Why are you the way that you are? Um, and some of us are mixed between the two. So many different things are going on in the same freaking season. So many differences, and yet we're all all the same. Before I begin the episode, I want to do a shout out to Rachel in the community. Hello, Rachel. How do you do? Today marks her 100th day in a row doing the thing that she said she was going to do in the ADHD Big Brother community. We gamified daily accountability. We created day streaks, and this means day 100 means that she is officially a Skull Spaghetti Master. She will be receiving the honorary wooden day counter. Courtesy of Mark Z in the community. He made me another batch of them. So, Rachel, I'm assuming you made it to 100. I'm going to be in touch and I'm going to spend a billion dollars uh mailing you a package to the UK. So, congratulations to you, Rachel. And I hope that means that you are now going to be crafting a skull spaghetti master speech for that space in the community. How did you get there? What did you do? What did you learn? All right, so as we um officially begin every episode, we do that with a quick mental health update. And as many of you know, that uh we're trying we're attempting to normalize talking about our skull spaghetti, you know, the good, the bad, the weird. Let's be okay with talking about all of it. Um, instead of just you know shoving it all down and putting a layer of, I'm doing fine. I'm doing totally fine. How are you doing? And putting a layer of that on top of everything. Um, it's definitely a weird process, and I still struggle with it. Um, talking in to talking my truth in public. I was at a holiday party and I was in this group of people talking, and then one of them remembered a comedy uh sketch that I had done a few years ago, and they said it was a highlight of the of the night. It was very complimentary, it was so awesome. And then um they asked, how come I didn't perform at the show the following year? And I I could not figure out what I couldn't figure out how to tell them the truth. Like I waffled, you know, thing things, you know, they're they get hard sometimes, and um, you know, there's you know, there's stuff going on. Uh could have just said I was too busy, but I have this thing with honesty where it feels really gross to lie. Um, so after, you know, going back and forth, I just was like, I I'm well, I'm diagnosed with depression, and so when I sink, uh, I sink and I just I can't perform. It's it was kind of awkward a little bit, but only for the length of time where I imagine people be like, oh, oh my god, okay. Well, he we he we're talking about his mental health. Okay, and then on to the next part of the conversation. So I clearly have a little ways to go with this, but you know, I'm out there practicing the skills. I have a friend that I know who uh who also takes Lexapro. I take LexaPro for depression, he takes it for anxiety. He could be a spokesperson for Lexapro, he loves it so much, he profletizes it. And I would have never known uh that about any of that. But I was at a party and people were asking questions about ADHD and depression. Um we often think we're alone, but man, we are not. Take it from me. I when people find out that I have an ADHD podcast and I'm I'm an ADHD coach, I run an ADHD community coaching, the floodgates open. I learn about people's anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, ADHD, autism, bipolar. The more you talk about it, the more you find out you aren't alone. You know, we're all some unique flavor of fucked up. It's beautiful. And you never know. I now have Alexa, bro. Okay, so let's just continue the practice of talking about our school spaghetti. I'm gonna go first. Overall, I feel pretty damn good. Thank you very much. I've been a beautiful relationship. So the oxytocin's really flowing there, guys. It's gonna ride out this honeymoon phase as long as we can. Um, I did have one day this past week, um, and I can't even point to why, but I was alone, kids were with their mom, Emily uh was with her kids, and I was just super depressed and weepy. I was I was weepy. That's such a tame word. And I said boo-hoo. Boo-hoo! I actually said the words boo-hoo as I was crying, boo-hoo, boo-hoo. That's weepy. I was sad and teary. Teary? It's weird to say crying because I wasn't in a full cry, but that being said, uh, I was feeling, and so I was telling Emily that uh that's actually a good sign for me. Um it's when I get darker, right? When it gets to the point where I don't care anymore, where it's like, oh, you know, I don't, whatever. I don't uh I don't care. Oh, that I even saying it, when it gets to that point where there's no emotion, it's just dread. Uh that's when I call my core four. Um, and that's my four people that know I have depression, and I can call them anytime. So it's just a random day, uh, or I'll say an evening, and you know, got some good sleep, I guess, and the weepiness passed. And now it's a holiday week. This holiday season, it's tough. It is tough for people with ADHD. My heart goes out to you guys. Like we are working our asses off just to manage our lives, and then there comes a giant season that's just filled with extra shit. Like, okay, we're adding presents, we're adding decorations, we're adding parties, we're adding so much more, all these new projects, and it can be a bit of a bit of a clusterfuck. And so this is really an appeal episode for us to be cool with ourselves. I I hear a lot of chatter out there um about the ADHD superpowers, and you know, when we feel like everything is crumbling around us and we can't seem to activate those superpowers, I use a trick of being cool with myself. It helps. We are often, we get these corny videos. I don't know, I get uh things sent to me a lot where there'll be um, you know, these really talented people doing these musical parodies that are all about the symptoms of ADHD and and it's it's neat and it's funny and it's relatable, but I get always I always get so pessimistic about those. I like a grumpy old Ebenezer Scrooge because I get so pessimistic about it. And I I usually say things like, you know what, they should make the the fun song about all the divorces and the lost jobs, the addictions, the financial ruin, the cluttered chaos, and all the self-loathing, and then set that to some upbeat fucking 80s wham song. I think, you know, wake me up before you go goo. I can tell I'm turning into a curmudgeon. But honestly, you guys, it's I I'm almost 50. I'm months away from turning 50. So I think I'm behaving age appropriate. I don't know. It's like you kids and you kids in your superpower talk. Let's get back to the fun, shall we? Um, I just really want to encourage everyone who's struggling right now to take a second and I'm not asking you to love yourself. That's a different podcast. It's pro-level shit right there. I'm asking you to start by being cool with yourself. You know, it would be so amazing if we could stare in the mirror and say, hey me, I love you. You're the shit. But I have a very powerful brain, and that brain will not allow me to get away with that. Not if I go after it directly. My brain will point out every piece of data, like, oh, you love yourself. Well, what about your 20s? What about your 30s? I can point to a lot of stuff right there. It's diabolical. So if that's if it's data that I need um to replace the bad data, then I suggest going after data points that prove the affirmation that we're trying to believe is true. So instead of an affirmation, let's do task formations. And that's a task that you do that's in alignment with the affirmation that you wish were true. You know, I don't want to stand in front of a mirror and say, I care about my body and I love myself. Brain will say bullshit. Looks like you ate an inflated basketball, you fat turd. I'm like, oh wow, what a jerk. But I can go for a walk. I can be self-aware on that walk and be like, hey, brain, you big jerk. Look what I'm doing. I'm doing something that uh someone who gives a shit about their health does. Uh, and dare I say, loves themselves. So suck on that brain. Put that in the data points. We don't have to be mean to our brains. It's just a big pile of neuron jello doing its job, keeping us alive, but it helps, really helps to get some brain tools going. And it's like we're changing the oil in there, you know. We gotta tweak the valves, you know, we gotta realign the goop. And I have found a real power in the doing of the work. Task formations are amazing. I want to get rid of all that self-loathing. And I and I want to love myself. And I found that it was always a real struggle to try and convince myself of a thing before I do this stuff. Like I need to feel confident and sexy, and then I'll have the motivation to work out. Or I need to love myself, and then I can love another human being and start dating. It just never seems to work like that for me. So let's put it into practice here on the podcast. I Googled some common affirmations, um, and I'm just gonna play with you right now in what a task formation might be for those affirmations. You know, let's just horse around with the concept, just have play with it, have some fun. Um, so here's one. I am worthy of love and respect. You arrogant bastard. These are funny only because I picture myself saying these things to myself, and they're awesome. I mean, I want these to be true for all of us. I am worthy of love and respect. We all know this stuff on paper. Um, so clearly I don't buy it. So let me ask you this What does a person who is worthy of love and respect what what do they do? You're like, I shouldn't have to do anything, I just am. Yeah, that's that's kind of my first thought, too. Like, that's the answer to all these. Like, I'm just naturally worthy of love and respect. That's true. I get that. The first thought to me is that that is a person that gives love and respect in abundance. Okay, so that seems a little bit closer, but what is giving love and respect doing? What does that look like to you? For me, it might be making time for my kids, respecting their opinions, maybe really listening to them, giving of my time and energy to them. If I were to do that, how do I think I might feel? I mean, pretty fucking good, I'd I would say. That's interesting. Let's try another one. Um, I love myself. That's the classic. Uh that one's pretty easy for me. Um, what does a person who loves themselves, what do they do? They go for a nice walk because it's healthy, uh, they get good sleep. Because when you love someone, uh you take care of them. Remember putting your kids to s to sleep on a schedule? You know, you gotta get them to bed at eight o'clock every night. It's because we love them and we care about their sleep and we know what a fucking nightmare it's gonna be if they don't, but it's because we love them. So wouldn't going to bed at a decent hour be something that a person that loves themselves would do? Because we care enough about our sleep? Something to think about. So, what are these other things that we can do? Where if in the moment we were self-aware, right? In that moment we could say, Hey, brain, pay attention. This is me loving myself, this is me being worthy of love and respect, or this is you know, what would that be like for you? How this has helped me in my life is that over time I've increased my data points in certain areas, so it's it's easy for me to cognitively accept a that that a shitty thought is happening, and it doesn't sink its teeth into me as much. It's not like a it doesn't define my character as much. So, on some of these things like loving myself, when I think I'm in the right frame of mind, I can pull out of the self-loathing fairly quickly. This is totally long game stuff, I know which I know isn't very appealing to the ADHD brain, but I do think it's a great practice to take some time on a day and imagine what some of these affirmations are that we want to be true, and then creating goals and actions, task formations that are in alignment with that. What does a person who is confident in their abilities do? What's a task formation for that? I mean, maybe continuing to learn and grow in those abilities, and what does that look like? Maybe taking a course? I don't know if you guys can tell, but this is my favorite stuff. I don't turn off my interest uh and drive in this productivity for ADHDs. I just love talking about it. I love creating games for it. Honestly, if this is your jam, if you are cordially invited to join the community. Right now, as of writing this, it just costs you basically taking me out to a good dinner once a month. And for that, I will give you an entire community of adults and ADHD getting our shit together together. Oh, it's in service of the doing with experts along with myself giving workshops. We got 24-7 body doubling. We are a platinum award-winning community on the circle platform because our engagement is off the charts. People are in there doing the work, posting accountability, sharing insights. It's supremely badass if I if I do say so myself. And before I go, I there is something that I want to ask you if you could help me out on building more programs for you in the new year. So I'm gonna be doing a group coaching type situation, but I want it to be what you want. And I created a survey, it's anonymous, unless you want to share, and it's good, it helps me to understand more about what you guys want help with and how you want that help. So the link to the survey will be in the show notes. If you don't see it in the show notes, it just means that you know time has gone by and the survey's closed. I got my data. Um, but that would be super helpful to me, and it'll help me to help you kick ass in 2025. Let's do this together. Uh, and with that, I hope you guys have a fantastic week. Happy holidays, and I shall talk to you later.